Lonely
by carby101
Summary: Same fic as before, just re-posted coz I deleted it *i have my reasons*. Susan (chapter 1) and Luka (chapter 2) contemplate loneliness
1. Susan

A/N-heya people! These are Susan's random thoughts. Dunno if I'll continue, it's really, really short, but still... please R&R  
  
I'm lonely. That's about it, I'm lonely. It's not that I'm not happy, because I am. It's just that when I'm lying there, alone in my bed, I can't help but wonder if I'm ever going to find anyone. I've found people in my time, people who've been friends, people who have been more than friends, but I have this way of letting anyone slip away. Some days, when I'm feeling especially down, I wonder if I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. Alone until, eventually I die, a bitter, old lady.  
  
A fine specimen of someone I've let slip recently, would be Dr John Carter. He's a good guy, kind, sweet and funny. I cared about him, I still do, but all my feelings for him have been transformed into hate. I hate him, I hate the way he talks, I hate the way he moves, I hate the way that he gets to be happy and I hate that he gets someone, whilst poor, old Susan ends up alone, again. I don't really hate him, I'm just jealous of him. He'll be there at work, flirting with Abby in his cute little way and I'll be there, watching them, looking as though I think it's 'cute', but actually I'll be jealous. I'll want exactly what he has and I know that he's lucky. He got rid of me and he got exactly what he wanted.  
  
I want someone to grow old with, I want someone to be with, I want someone to love. Thats sounds so cliché. I want someone to love, but it's true, I do. It seems unfair some people get someone to love and others don't. Another person I let go was Mark. I let go of him and when I came back he was with Elizabeth. It still hurts deep inside me, when I think about his death. I try not to, but sometimes I can't help but wonder about what could have happened between us. Sometimes I let myself go to a little dream world and I end up shocked that he's actually dead when I return to real life.  
  
I'm as scared as I am lonely. I'm scared that I've made bad decisions, I'm scared that I could have had a better life. I'm scared that my life isn't what it used to be. Did I make a bad decision when I left? Would I still be alone now if I stayed? At the end of the day all I am is another scared, lonely woman. A scared, lonely woman who has made some choices in her life. As for whether those choices were good ones, I'll just have to wait and see. I'll be like those little old ladies in films, sitting there, waiting, waiting..... for god knows what. Probably waiting to die. Except I'm not going to die, maybe inside I will, but outside I'll stay strong. I'll stay.. Susan Lewis. 


	2. Luka

A/N- I've decided to write another chapter for this, as part of my fic writing spree. This chapter is written from Luka's POV, on the same topic- loneliness. I might do a chapter on loneliness from POV's of a few ER characters, I don't know, or I might just stick to Luka and Susan. Please R&R  
  
I walk down the street, part of a mass of people. I look no different to any of them, sure they have their troubles, but mine run deeper than anyone knows. My troubles run so deep that it's amazing I'm still standing today, I could go and cry, but that's not my style. Heaven knows, I've done enough crying to last me a long time.  
  
Sometimes I wake up and long to get my wife and children back. You see I have this dream, my family are alive, I wake up in the arms of my wife, I kiss her good morning and my children bound into our bedroom. It's not just a dream, it was a reality years ago and I long to go back to that reality.  
  
Since I lost my wife I've been with people, but they've left me and now I'm just here...lonely. Sometimes the loneliness gets to me and I just want someone, someone to spend the rest of my life with, someone to love. I've lost Abby and I loved her. It hurts me to see her with Carter and I can see my own hurt mirrored in Susan. I know that secretly she wishes she hadn't let Carter slip away and I feel I can relate to what she feels.  
  
Let's face it, I'm not getting any younger and I'm going through women at such a tremendous rate, that I wouldn't be amazed if there isn't a single girl left Chicago I haven't slept with. I'm going through women at this rate because I'm looking for comfort, I'm looking for someone who cares about me.  
  
At work I'm becoming hated because of how I act and I want to explain to them that I'm just going through hard times. I thought I was over Abby, I really did, but it turns out that I'm not, because I just can't stand to see her happy when I'm so sad.  
  
The scary thing is that I see myself growing older every day, I see myself growing older and time seems to tick by. If I don't do something soon I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone and I'm scared of that.  
  
I don't want to be scared, I don't want to be alone, I just don't know what I should feel. I've lost my family and I've been told so many times that I should move on, try to make something of my life and I want to, I want to so much that sometimes I ache inside. I just don't know how to do something with my life, I need someone to show me the way and as for that special someone - I'm still looking. 


End file.
